The Ripple Effect of Brokeness

One of the living factors that many of us have discovered is that what we do, or what is done to us, touches others. It's effects or infection is not something that we control. It's impossible to quarantine your hurts and pain. As much as you try through keeping quiet, there can be a profound disconnect and sadness those closest to you feel. You don't talk very much, or smile, your eating habits change, perhaps you have bouts of anger, rage, don't want to be touched, bad nightmares, alcohol, or drug abuse, neglecting your personal appearance, or forgetting to pay your bills. The list goes on. When a traumatic occurrence such as sexual abuse happens, the victim grabs onto anything to survive.

There is an old Simon and Garfunkel song that has these lyrics:
"Hiding in my room, safe within my womb"
"I touch no one, and no one touches me"
"I am a rock, I am an island"
"And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries."

Pretty profound lyrics expressing the feelings of the damaged life, that believes that survival means to remain separated from everyone and everything. They put up a wall that doesn't let anyone in. But truthfully the ripple of brokenness reaches friends, family, and intimate partners. They see the suffering, and yet helpless to know what to do.

A Rock Feels No Pain

As I watched "The Invisible War" I was overcome with grief for several relationships which were being touched by the ripple effect of MST and PTSD.  Something as innocent as a hug between a husband and a wife is now associated with the crime of rape. And a good spouse is now pushed away, because of what a perpetrator did.

Kori Cioca McDonald with her husband Rob shares their struggles of intimacy.

 

 "It is hard to be a Military Sexual Trauma spouse -- not hard to be with a survivor, but hard because at times I feel so helpless to the trauma. After a screening, I had a man approached me and asked me why I hadn't divorced Kori because of the "intimacy problems." I made it clear that I loved my wife for who she was and that if we were never intimate again, it wouldn't have any impact on our marriage. His comment made me very angry, and the man could see that. Turns out, his sister was a survivor, and her husband divorced her because of these types of problems. The man said he knew his sister was struggling, but after seeing the documentary he wasn't fully aware of the damage it does, and he was certain that if his sister's ex-husband saw The Invisible War, it would have saved their marriage. I agreed, because it saved Kori and me. But it was the other way around; Kori was certain that she was ruining my life. Little does she probably understand this, but she is my life, PTSD and all. I think other spouses of a Military Sexual Trauma survivor, or any Sexual Trauma survivor for that matter, should see this film." - From Robert McDonald Huffington Post December 4, 2013 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-mcdonald/the-invisible-war-being-t_b_2594055.html

An Island Never Cries 

For a spouse or loved one, it takes lots of patience to not take PTSD or MST personally. Rob has learned that Kori wasn't going to give up on herself. So how could he give up on her? She would struggle with self esteem, depression, nightmares, thoughts of suicide, but he is committed to her. Yes, lack of intimacy can be rough but not impossible to overcome.
But make no bones about it. For you loved ones, its a tough row to hoe, because the rocks are big and plentiful. He or she will have their good days and bad days. Days when they won't want you to touch them, or talk or even be near you. And it can be hard not to take it personally. But also he or she must realize that (although they have been the recipient of the abuse) this is now both of your concerns.  "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries" but people do. And it effects many people around them.

The Faces of helplessness and Hurt in "The Invisible War."

 



Watching Ben Klay retell the hurtful events and aftermath of Arianna's assault was sobering. Every fiber of his being was racked with pain because his wife served with honor and dignity. And to have the Corps say in so many words, "you deserved it because when you complained..." is almost unbearable. I can imagine what thoughts must have been coursing through him, perhaps retaliation. He and Arianna are now both serving to help Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to push forward her bill, MJIA.
And just as significant was Michael Matthews decision to no longer leave his wife Geri Lynn in the dark about his trauma. This can be a very frightening thing for a man to do. Because of the stigma of being seen as being weaker.

"I had not told anyone in 30 years. I had decided to tell my wife. I was the scariest moment of my life. I was going to tell my wife and she was going to leave me--- and I would be lost without her."

Once the truth was laid bear in the light, Michael and Geri were able to grieve together. She shared his pain and outrage over this thing that had caused Michael so much.

Jennifer and Lee Norris

Former TSgt Norris met her husband Lee in 2001 at Keesler AFB. They finally wed in 2005. By that time Jen had run the nightmare gauntlet of rape, sexual harassment, sexual assault, retaliation, and gender discrimination.  She now serves on the board of "Protect Our Defenders."

"Love is the only thing that pulled me through this relationship, because I was literally incapable of having interpersonal relationships. I was hardened, damaged, hyper-vigilant, and defensive."

Jennifer says that because of Lee, she reached out to the VA when she found out they finally were treating MST. (Military Sexual Trauma) Jennifer has been getting counseling and treatment since 2006. 

 

Overcoming MST by getting help.

http://maketheconnection.net/conditions/military-sexual-trauma

 



The VA has programs to help assess your condition. Like Jennifer Norris, do it for yourself and those you love. My next blog; "Men Who Are Victims of Sexual Assault" will be here on Saturday.

"You are not a rock or an island. You are a person who is love."