Why They Don't Report

To hear nothing soon

Anita Hill during Clarence Thomas Confirmation- 1992

Means there was no crime
The leopard has morphed
And changed with the passing of time
Your rights are gone
You have no proof
You waited way too long
For anyone to believe
Your truth
The mocking will start
And you'll feel the shame
You're a liar they'll say
Yes it will hit your ears
It's your fault they'll sing
As the choir of haters sing
And you feel the tears.

Kevin McGill

To watch the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings at this point is like a re-mix of an familiar issue.

Judge Brett Kavanugh

A past victim and present survivor, Christine Blasey Ford steps out of the shadows via the Washington Post and  calls out a powerful man who seeks more power, In spite of something that he did in his younger years. Ford was sexually assaulted by Kavanaugh in the Summer of 1982 while both attended high school. Yes, in some ways it's Judge Clarence Thomas versus Anita Hill once again. But now we have a president who speaks his mind and it's not for victims of sexual assault. He has blasted Professor Ford for her choice of waiting to speak out now.  Not very presidential to say the least and his constant Tweets kicked off the hash tag why #WhyIDidntReport. Ironically it's an upside to the ignorant tweeting and expressions that Trump and the GOP has made.

The reasons for the hash tag are so evident because some women and men were sexually assaulted as young as their childhood by a trusted friend or family member like Elizabeth Desnoyers-Colas

Some children are too young to give their abuse a name. Others take on the blame because we were told that adults are never wrong.

For some children like Donna Bartos the abuse continued into their teenage years because they didn't know they had rights.

People don't talk about their sexual assault because it's not safe to do so. It doesn't matter if it happened day after a day, or a year or twenty years. The very thing that's happening to Christine Blassey Ford only enforces their fears that it's safer to stay away and pretend life is okay.  Her life has been turned upside down with death threats, hacked emails, and their family being torn apart.

On the day that Ford publicly identified herself as Kavanaugh’s accuser in an interview with The Washington Post, her husband was driving their 15-year-old son and his friends from a soccer tournament in Lake Tahoe. He couldn’t answer the calls that were blowing up his phone; by the time they reached home, a crowd of reporters was waiting.
Russell struggled to explain it to his children. “I said that Mommy had a story about a Supreme Court nominee, and now it’s broken into the news, and we can’t stay in the house anymore,” he recalled. The family was separated for days, with the boys staying with friends and their parents living at a hotel. They’ve looked into a security service to escort their children to school.- Washington Post September 22, 2018

Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley

No one who believes in justice for all, bullies, harasses, or threatens a victim from coming forward. Only cowards and people so immersed into the stench of the sewer of their political preference attempts doing these things. This should be about choosing the best man, but Republican Senators don't seem to care what is best for the country, but what is best for their party.  Chuck Grassley, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee is not calling for an FBI investigation on the matter.  In fact he has demanded the Professor Ford testify, but on his terms.  He has sent her several deadlines, and none of them seem to help to create space for truth and justice to get the last word.  If the professor is a liar, then let an investigation exonerate his obvious preference?  He is apparently playing a game of chicken with the survivor's lawyers.

This entire situation has blown up Twitter with the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport because the culture doesn't seem to get it.  People don't speak out when you want them to do it. They speak out when they're damn well ready as in the case of Judge Roy Moore.  Men like Moore and Kavanaugh continue to ascend the ladder of prominence until their past catches up with them.

“She was like, ‘I can’t deal with this. If he becomes the nominee, then I’m moving to another country. I cannot live in this country if he’s in the Supreme Court,’ ” her husband said. “She wanted out.”- Washington Post September 22, 2018

She was having what I call her own WTF moment.  To just up and run leaving her career, family, and personal life was no longer an option.  She knew as soon as she spoke up, the alligators would come looking for her.  Maybe she never thought one of the biggest swamp gators would be Donald Trump, (who has his own accusers of sexual assaults to deal with.) This is the time to stand and face them and fight.  Her conviction has stirred thousands on Twitter to recall their personal stories including the military.

Kristen's experience left her feeling as though she had no one in her corner who saw her worthy to be defended.  The typical response has been you have no proof, or you violated a rule such as being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And giving shade to military married men who rape will make the survivor the perpetrator as in the ex-servicewoman's case.

Men have been and still carry around their own private shame of sexual assault, because the culture says real men don't let this happen to them.  The church has many sins it needs to answer for.  And molesting young boys is at the top of the list.

Young and older men bear it in silence because family members can't handle the news. We've got a real mess on our hands. This is a thing that haunts us wherever we go. Your masculinity or politics doesn't help. 

I read thousand of the Tweets in response to Donald Trump's flippant callous remarks about why she didn't report her abuse years ago. There are so many people who don't report.  And why not?  Simple: they've seen what happened to some who do report or at least attempt to get some one on their side at any time of their lives. I interviewed Lyndie Rose who recalls:

Lyndie Rose 

I was a virgin to this point, never dated or anything, and my sister was staying in town because her husband was in Vietnam, and she had two small girls 13 months apart. And I had been staying there in the summertime at her house because she had been going to the university to take classes in summer school, and I had been watching the girls. She wanted to get together with some friends from high school and so they were going camping and going to the movies, so I was babysitting the girls. And this guy--- I knew who he was. He was a friend of my step- sister's. He had come around one night. He had wanted to use the phone …and I said, ‘I just don’t let anybody in, and my sister's not here. And he told me he was having car trouble. So, dummy me, I let him in. So, he started kissing me, and I said ‘don’t! Don’t do that!’ and he knew the girls were in there asleep, and I was afraid to yell, and he told me that if I said or did anything--- if I screamed out or anything, he would hurt the girls. So, I fought as hard as I could, but he ended up just picking me up and carrying me in my sister’s bedroom and he raped me--- And I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea what to do, and he left after that. I had nobody to call. (There were no cell phones back then) I sure wasn't going to call my mother. And I didn't know what else to do so I waited for my sister to come home. And My sister who I was very close to, she blamed me. I don't think she bought my story. She said “Oh he came over, and you guys must have started kissing and you let it get out of hand and you led him on. And it happened. So, don't tell anybody.” Well I told my mother and she was the same way. …I must have done something. 

Lyndie Rose never reported her rapist because she was too young to know what do. Her sister and mother threw the blame back onto her because they either didn't know what to do or feared that there might be repercussions if she spoke out and made trouble.  Like many survivors, you get older and understand more, but the rape is still as real as the day it happened.  LaSanya Rucker, shared her story with me as well.  Here is a excerpt of the aftermath of a young black teen who was betrayed by an old friend from high school, and gang raped by five men.  She's back home now, and all she is trying to do is to keep her mom from blaming her for her own rape.

 LaSanya Rucker

As I went into the bathroom to clean up I heard my Step- father say it to my mom, "You need to come home,now" I think she really didn't want to leave her friend's house. I remembered first taking a shower and then taking a bath, I think I was trying so hard to clean the stench of rape off of me. It is interesting that I can say the word rape now but, back then when it happened, I never applied the word rape to what happened to me. I don't think somehow in my young mind, I could comprehend that it happened to me, Shortly after I finished my my bath and gotten into my bed, my mother came into my room. She took one look at me and briefly left the room. Somehow without any words transpiring between us I think she knew, when she returned back to my room. She closed my door behind her. I remembered her telling me as she placed a plastic card on my dresser, that this was my medical card to Kaiser and that I knew my doctor. If I need to go to the doctor for a physical or even if I need it to talk to a psychiatrist, all that was covered in my plan. And then she left my room as quietly as she came in. She never asked me for details who, if, why, where, not even ever years later. It is a conversation that we never had. I remembered laying there dazed, shocked and crying..I remembered feeling so alone and unafraid, not knowing what to do I remember thinking my Mother hated me to me and really didn't care what happened to me. It was until years later, later I realized through my own trials and tribulation as a black woman, many times you walk and stand alone, she probably wasn't equipped mentally to accepted or deal with it.

LaSanya's mother had answers in the moment, but among them were not words of action or comfort. We become educated like the child on the playground of life to never report the bully. The other kids see it and know better that it's wiser not to tell anyone what happened. Kids grow into adults who still have the same attitudes about personal violence. You never report, you never tell, and you never snitch. The perp sets the rules, and we all fall in line in the military, the boardroom, the home, and sadly to say, our Nation's Capitol. I believe Professor Ford. She spoke out in her way, and on her day.


Before the first, or second confirmation scandal hit, (A second person has comes forward.) I wrote about these two courageous people Lyndie Rose and LaSanya who shared their story with me in my book: From The Outside Looking In.  It points to the problem of why people may or may not report their rape.  I hope you will consider getting a copy either in paperback or on Kindle from Amazon.com. I'm challenging man culture with what I believe are relevant answers to an ongoing dilemma in our society.     

Sexual Assault Month #MeTooMilitary

This is April, and among other things it is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Once again, we are asking you to grab a piece of teal and wear it to show your support for victims of Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, and domestic Violence. Although the proclamation comes from the White House, its roots go back as for as the 1970's and today adopted by National Coalition Against Sexual Assault. It started out as a one-week-in April focus and, of course, there is a need to continue to stay focused on the problem in civilian life and the Military.

The number of reported sexual assaults that occurred have gone up and not down since 2013, according to the DOD, on military bases and installations around the world. More than half the military victims in 2016, (68%) did not report sexually violent crimes, according to data from the annual Department of Defense report on sexual assault in 2017. As I have said before, when the media (both social and mainstream) turn the lights onto the problem, the right things are said, and it appears that the military will fix the problem. Many survivors punched hard with the documentary, The Invisible War. Never did we see anything like the stories being told by men and women of what they went through while trying to serve their country. Some of these survivors came to Washington DC to speak with senators and congressmen about their cases. They were flesh and blood Veterans attempting to make a change for those who would raise their hand and take the oath to serve and protect American and defend the Constitution. But of course there was some contrition, when the brass faced the Senate, but very little was changed to reverse the problem.

"The truth is that the scourge of sexual assault in the military remains status quo," Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, D-New York, said about the 2017 Pentagon report. "(It) disappointingly shows a flat overall reporting rate and a retaliation rate against survivors that remains at an unacceptable 6 out of 10 for a third year in a row."

We need to realize this month that sexual assault crimes in the military are still a problem no matter what is going on in the world or what this White House is trying to distract us with.

A Monster Dressed In Fatigues

A young Army Specialist, Sarah Reyes, considered herself a church girl who had bad relationship experience before signing up and was determine to abstain from sex until marriage and put the Army first. In an interview with CNN she said that she loved her job, and her instincts had always prompted her to run toward danger, not away from it. "I lived for it, and I was good at it," she said of her time as an Army combat medic, which included a nine-month stint in Afghanistan.

The opposite seems true for Sarah now because she was sexual assaulted by someone whom she thought was trust worthy. A fellow soldier at a barracks party at Fort Stewart, Georgia. Sarah now calls him a monster who raped her dressed in fatigues. They both had been in the same platoon and  deployed over seas. So you would think a fellow soldier and a brother-in-arms wouldn't take advantage of her in this way. 

It's the same old story of someone receiving very little to drink, but passing out because someone had

conspired to mix the drinks making their intended victim blackout drunk hard and fast.

Rapists in and out of the military are good at this because it causes memory gaps. As in Sarah's case, she had no idea what had happened to her.

Reyes told CNN that she did not feel like she drank too much but noted that she was "not making her own drinks" and "does not have much memory" of the night.

Although the timeline of the evening is still fuzzy at times, Reyes said she now recalls more about what occurred -- including feeling very tired during the party and lying in the bed of a male soldier.The realization that something beyond her initial memory of the night had occurred did not fully set in until the next day, when her friends asked if she had consented to everything that happened during the encounter. "That moment was like someone flipped on a light switch -- I realized I didn't want it all to happen," Reyes said. "My body went numb and I was crying. ... (I) felt like my world had ended and I couldn't figure out why."

What's so shocking was that the male soldier confessed to what he did to her, but the all-male investigation panel couldn't do anything because they don't have anything to prove beyond his confession. In other words the investigators wouldn't allow Reyes's attacker to incriminate himself because she couldn't remember if she said "No" to him. People who are looking to exonerate a rapist are now with the old, "Well, did you say 'No'" dodge. If a person is so out of it, how can he or she swear to anything or remember anything that was said? Of course this person wasn't found guilty of anything. He was allowed to return back to his duties. Reyes told CNN that it took her a long time to speak out and tell anyone what had happened, partly because the circumstances didn't feel straight forward in a military sense. And perhaps she's right in the sense that there is no one-size-fits-all situation that fits a standard of sexual assault. There is also apparently no flexibility in the military male culture to understand that rapists depend upon the military to make a case based on a sober victim, or at least one who can recall what happen. But even with that, the system will set up roadblocks which allow the perp to escape unscathed such as performance of duties and rank. They're no longer allowed to express feelings of a soldier's good conduct, but the bias still remains. The higher up the accused is in the chain of command, the harder it is to convict them. 

The System of The Old

We've been here before. Survivors like Reyes have no advocates on the inside of this situation because the old way of handling sexual assault, sexual harassment and retaliation is baked into the cake. The mindset hasn't changed and so they are looking for the change of law which allows a victim/survivor to get help outside the chain of command. The Military Justice Improvement Act remains stymied by politicians who either fear that change would alter the military that they know, or see it as a feminist win against a total male dominated culture. The author is Democratic Senator Kirsten Gillibrand of New York, who sees the bill as giving military servicemen and servicewoman a hand up in respect to receiving an fair and unbiased sense of justice. It doesn't take away the Commander's authority or power. 

The carefully crafted Military Justice Improvement Act is designed to professionalize how the military prosecutes serious crimes like sexual assault, and to remove the systemic fear that survivors of military sexual assault describe in deciding whether to report the crimes committed against them. Repeated testimony from survivors and former commanders says that the widespread reluctance on the part of survivors to come forward and report is due to the bias and inherent conflicts of interest posed by the military chain of command’s sole decision-making power over whether cases move forward to a trial. 

At the beginning of the year, advocates including Col. Don Christensen, president of

Protect Our Defenders; Monica Medina, a former special assistant to former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta; plus Heath Phillips and Nichole Bowen Crawford, survivors of military sexual trauma gathered at the Pentagon and spoke about how this system, which was supposed to be fixed, still remains broken. The DOD's reply was "The Department of Defense continuously works to eliminate sexual assault from the military, and we encourage service members to report all instances of sexual assault so we can provide support services and hold offenders accountable," spokesman Col. Rob Manning.

Sounds great to me. Except what's the magical number of sexual assaults which will cause you to fly into action? Some of these advocates speaking out, use to be in your ranks Military. Just saying. I would encourage those in the #MeToo movement to reach out to Veterans and active servicemen. Because it may have started in Hollywood, but it's about everybody.

Turning A Blind Eye to a Black Eye

Donald Trumps firm hand claps with General Kelly

The correlation between the military mind set and what is happening in the White House is glaring. Donald Trump's White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, couldn't get a permanent security clearance for the man he brought on board to be Staff Secretary. Why? Because Rob Porter failed an FBI background check. Two of his ex-wives, Colbie Holderness and Jennifer Willoughby were victim-survivors of Porter's abuse in their marriages. The General sent out a statement defending Porter's character saying :

 "Porter was “a man of true integrity and honor and I can’t say enough good things about him. He is a friend, a confidante, and a trusted professional. I am proud to serve alongside him.” Kelly reportedly urged Porter to “stay and fight,” in spite of the incredibly serious accusations against him." - NY Times. February 8, 2018

It turns out that wasn't the case. Photo's emerged from Colbie Holderness who had a black eye that she received from Porter while on their Honeymoon, of all things, in Italy. The FBI now has copies of the photo's from Holderness, plus statements from the two abused ex-wives. And the General was forced to walk back his claims of Porter's sterling character after both Holderness and Willoughby spoke on record to The Daily Mail and other media sources.

In a memo to the staff on Thursday night, Mr. Kelly wrote, “While we are all processing the shocking and troubling allegations made against a former White House staffer, I want you to know that we all take matters of domestic violence very seriously. Domestic violence is abhorrent and has no place in our society.”- NY Times. February 8, 2018

Todd Shane Tomko, another abuser Kelly defended

Now what some of you may or may not know is that this same General John Kelly went to bat for Todd Shane Tomko. Tomko is a disgraced Marine Colonel who was found guilty of sexually harassing two female subordinates. Mr. Kelly praised the colonel as a “superb Marine officer.” That turned out to be a bad characterization of Kelly's. Tomko was so messed up, it was reported that he drove drunk to his own arraignment. General Kelly has a problem that has been in the Armed Forces for decades now. And that is to save the warrior at all cost. Screw the fact that he's being accused of sexual assault, sexual harassment or other punishable crimes. Save the accused, because he is worth it.

Even in the fact of the blacked eye photo's and the press pushing hard for transparency, Kelly only took a half-step back in the assessment of the situation with Porter. While admitting that domestic violence is a terrible thing, Kelly wouldn't give an inch on Porter's character. This was followed by Donald Trump's own remarks today, as he still believes Porter is innocent.

I don't want to drift too far afield of my main point, and that is in John Kelly's opinion, getting the job

Rob Porter. Domestic abuser who Trump believes is innocent

done always comes before anything else. He stood by Porter because Porter performed his duties well. This is much akin to the James Wilkerson case where his conviction was overturned by a 3-star General. It shows bias and blind loyalty from the brass. They treat victims/survivors as casualties in pursuit of what they see as the greater good.

In 2014 I wrote a story much like this one of a young woman who was a victim of domestic abuse. (I hope you check it out if you haven't already.) She tweeted me asking to help get her story out. And there it was; Bobbie Moulder had a black eye given to her by her Marine husband. She shared her story of a horrific marriage, and how the Military was just doing a dance with her case, and waiting for the clock to just run out on it while her now ex-husband had moved on with a promotion. These abusers continue to abuse partly because men like John Kelly and Donald Trump turn a blind eye to the reality that domestic violence, as well as sexual assault and other related crimes, are wrong. Rob Porter has been pried away from his job after a year. Since then, he has abused another woman who works for the federal government. She won't give her name (no doubt out of fear of losing her job) but she has sought out the advice of the 2 ex-wives.

 (R)Holderness, 37, (L) Willoughby

It's a damn shame that our own government which touts transparency and zero tolerance for this sort of behavior, doesn't have the confidence of women working for them. And Porter has moved on from dating this unknown person, to a relationship with Trump's own White House Communications Director, Hope Hicks. Now whether you like or dislike Miss Hicks, you can't help but wonder how long it could take before another page of domestic abuse will be added. Perhaps a page that might not have been necessary, if the General really believed his words:

“When I was a kid growing up, a lot of things were sacred in our country,” he said. “Women were sacred and looked upon with great honor. That’s obviously not the case anymore, as we see from recent cases.”- HuffPost October 9, 2017

Update:

By this weekend Donald Trump's reflection of how he views domestic violence was summed up in one of his tweets. He seems to put a lot of stock in the fact that people who work hard for him couldn't possibly be guilty, and of course after a matter of time should it really matter? His words come off as a dog whistle that accusers are just out to hurt these men. Apparently men free of scandal are hard to find to work for his administration.

The scene from Celebrity Big Brother with a vulnerable Omarosa Manigault who was brought into the inner circle by Trump and cast out by Kelly, says it all. (Whispering) "...It's not my circus, not my monkeys, I'd like to say not my problem but... it's bad." 

My thoughts:  The Evil you accept, is the evil you ignore.